Evolution of a new mom

I found myself looking through photos of Anya's first weeks yesterday. She was so tiny. Her head looked like it was the size of my palm. I wish I had a photo of her with her head in my hand so that I could see just how small she was. I took a million photos and of course I think of the one picture I didn't take. ;) The past six months have gone by so fast. It has been the best 6 months of my life and also the hardest. I had no idea being a mom would be so awesome, rewarding, tiring, emotional, heartwarming and challenging. I love the word challenging. A mom friend of mine used that word to describe how she views being a stay at home mom. It is exactly what it is.

After Anya was about 4 months old I said to my mom, (talking about when she was a few weeks old) "people would always say 'ohhh I miss when they were that little". I would say to myself, "they obviously forget how hard it was". Those first few weeks are so hard and overwhelming. By the time she was 4 months old I would say, "we made it.. this is where the fun starts". At 4 months she was smiling back at me.. I felt like I had it together, finally.

One memory that I will never forget is when Anya was 1 day old. We were in the hospital and the mom instinct had just kicked in. I looked at Dwight and with tears in my eyes I said, "I love her so much that it's scaring me". It is so scary for a new mom to feel that unconditional love. I felt vulnerable in a way I had never felt. I was sure that I would do something wrong and my heart would just break. (I did end up doing things wrong and my heart did break). I knew that this love would never dwindle and I was honestly terrified to live my life with worrying about her every second. I asked my mom, "when will I stop worrying?".. she said, "never". The good news is that as time went on yes I didn't love her less, only more.. but the scariness slowly went away and the mom power took over. I became confident in my choices and by 3 months old we had things together. I still worry about her, but it doesn't make me an emotional wreck. I would look back on those first months and say .. "we made it and I wouldn't go back there.. this is where it's at". Now Anya and I have this bond that is just getting greater and greater. I know what makes her laugh... she laughs and I laugh. She thinks I am hilarious and I make faces and sounds just to hear that giggle. She looks for me in a room. She knows what is coming next and reaches for her bottle, bib, etc. She is beginning to put sounds together. She sits up and plays. Just yesterday I made a kiss noise with my lips and she repeated it. I did it again and she repeated it again. I clapped and she put her fists together. She doesn't have the hang of clapping yet but it is coming. Every day I see her learn and change and it is the most wonderful thing I have ever done. I am not missing a moment and I am loving it.

So back to those photos. I was looking at those pictures of her sweet little face at a few days old. Something had changed though.. I looked back on it and wanted to go back for a second to hold her at that little. I am finally getting to the point of forgetting all the scariness, emotions and fear of being a new mom. I can look back on the pictures of her in the hospital and instead of re-living my traumatizing birth experience I look at the pictures of her and sigh. She was my little Anya and I had no idea how much our love would grow and change in the next months. I had no idea she would have this vivacious little smile and personality. I had no idea what it would feel like to watch her grow and be the best little thing that has ever happened to me. I know my love for Anya will grow along with her as she grows. This is just the beginning. No I am so not ready for another one, yet. I am just seeing why so many moms of older children look at newborns and sigh. They know what's on the other end of it all.. they know how they grow up into the amazing little beings that they are. :)